Duke A Hazard?

Malcolm from Muncaster asks:

What was your reaction to the news that the Duke of Edinburgh seems likely to be attending a performance of Brain without a Body?

Alan Theape replies:

A very interesting question, Mally.

Naturally, at first I was elated. The thought of the Duke, that well known purveyor of witty one-liners and charming repartee, coming to see my one Ape show our Show and occupying the Royal Box at Paradise in the Vault was a wonderful tribute to my work all our efforts.

His connection to the World Wide Fund for Nature was a great encouragement to me that he would recognise the quality of animal talent on display. However, Bob, exiting the shower this morning, then told me that the Duke usually carried a gun when encountering nature.

The feeling in my stomach at this news was like the time I ate seventeen bananas in a row one lazy Sunday afternoon: there was trouble brewing and it could get messy for all concerned.

It seemed a rewrite might be required so I approached Mr B, who, as ever, was happy enough to oblige. (“Do what you like,” were his actual words. “The original artistic integrity of the piece was destroyed weeks ago by your primate pranks.”)

So now, if the Duke should appear at a performance between Tuesday 13th and Saturday 17^th (starts 12.05pm), then I will only be glimpsed moving around behind a blackboard and under cover of darkness throughout the whole performance... (It will probably help things along because you will not see my dancing, full repertoire of other moves and shameless scene stealing.)

This lack of light may also cause the Duke to repeat one of his more famous statements in the Scottish capital. Greeted in 2000 with the sight of a rather rudimentary fuse box, he uttered the immortal witticism that,

‘it was so crude it must have been put in by an Indian.’ What a guy! Offending 1.2 billion people in thirteen words....